For many people that know me, they know that I tend to like to be in control. I wouldn’t say I like to be in control of others but, I do like to be in control of myself and MY life. I don’t want to or care to control others. I know for a fact, I can’t control how others feel, what others think or the way others act. So, I can tell you right now that I am not a fan of NOT being in control and NOT having a plan. I am learning how to be flexible with situations and things in my life.
When I saw Dr. Scott on Monday, December 21, 2015, he looked at my left mastectomy flap and told me that the tissue was healing much better than he originally thought. He told me that he thinks my body is going to keep healing and wanted to postpone the “clean up” surgery for a couple of weeks. In a weird way I was disappointed that my surgery was cancelled for Christmas Eve. Not that I want to have surgery at all but, just the fact that things will move forward sooner and I will get the necrotic tissue removed. I had mentally prepared to have surgery. Christmas was rearranged because I had surgery scheduled. Things change and it took me a few hours to adjust to the “new” plan.
The new plan is to check back in with him next Thursday, December 31, 2015 to assess the area. He is pretty confident that he is going to be able to save most of the tissue. I called my mom right away to let her know that my surgery was cancelled and I obviously sounded upset about it and like usual she made me feel better. She said, “Trust in Dr. Scott and let him set the pace. He is in charge and he knows what he is doing.” Even though I know that, it is hard to let go of control of myself.
A week after my first surgery in November, my lovely, supportive friend Kinsey surprised me with a boudoir photo shoot (Boudoir photography is a genre of photography that involves female subjects in sexually suggestive or sensual poses.) with her friends TK and Wendy. I have always wanted to do these pictures for Jason but, never had the self esteem to do them. You are always your hardest critic, there is always something about ourselves that we don’t like. We are too fat, too skinny, hair is too thin, hair is too thick, big butt or no butt, stretch marks ect…you get the point.
Once I saw these pictures I had to stare at them for a long time. I looked at them and said, “DAMN!!” I am seeing myself through my husbands eyes. He always tells me how beautiful I am, how I don’t need makeup and I am one of the only people that he knows that wakes up beautiful. Well I don’t think that I am beautiful when I wake up but, I now do believe him that I am beautiful. There are always going to be haters out in the world that say things that are hurtful but, as long as I can look in the mirror and see who I am, not just the outside layer but, also be able to see the inner beauty, I am content.
Every single day when my boys wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me, my husband gives me a kiss, my patients give me hugs and tell me they love me and I am one of the most caring, sweetest people they have met, I know that I am doing something right! The quote that “Your mama is always right” is so correct. My mom always told me that I was beautiful (even through high school and having to shop for formal dresses and swimsuits, I was so hard on myself). I now know what she was seeing. Thank you Mom for always being my biggest fan and loving me at my ugliest!
Here is to another day on this wonderful world. Remember to love yourself, your family and friends. Be happy with yourself and you will have a much happier life..