You never know how strong the mind is until is running your world. I put on an a good show that I was OK with the circumstances that have occurred. I told everyone that it was OK and I was OK. I was trying to trick my own mind in believing that I was OK. I was not OK. Inside I was thinking, what the hell did I do to myself? Is my husband going to see me attractive? Are my boys going to be scared of me if they see me in the nude? Will people whisper behind my back and judge me? Of course I knew ALL of these thoughts were crazy but I am pretty sure these are all normal thoughts that go through ones brain.
I could not look at myself for almost a week. Thank goodness for my mom for helping through the first week. I sure could not have done it without her. My first post op appointment with Dr. Scott was on Thursday 12/10/2015. When he examined me, he was very positive regarding the situation and informed me that he would not have to do any skin grafting and that he would want to do another surgery before the end of the year to do a “clean up” surgery (debridement of any tissue that didn’t survive). Dr. Scott told me that I was released of all restrictions and could do what I wanted, so I was planning my first drive:) Many people are surprised by this but I am really doing well, worst part now is the drains.
After the visit with Dr. Scott, I felt SO much better. I knew that I could do this. From that day forward, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and I finally had the balls to show my amazingly supportive husband my chest. His response was, “you are still sexy”. I feel so lucky to have a man that loves ME, not my boobs. So now he helps me and I feel so much better about it.
On Friday, I decided to take a trip to Everett to The Bra Shop http://www.brashop.org/ . I walked into a little boutique that had all sorts of gifts made locally and of course bras. I was treated like a person and not like a disease. I have seen and heard of patients being treated like breast cancer and feeling sorry for them. Patients that are going through cancer treatment don’t want to be felt sorry for or treated any differently, if anything they want to be “normal”. This place is great. I was fitted for a bra that I could put my “pillows” in until I get my expanders placed. I couldn’t have been happier with my experience. It is weird, even though I don’t have breasts anymore, when I have that bra/pillows on, I feel so much better about myself. When I look in the mirror, I see my old self.
There are certain people that know you, that you don’t have to ask for things, they are just done. One of my longest forever friends, Malia, came down and saw me on Tuesday after surgery. She brought me the most perfect food. Turkey lunch meat to make me gluten free sandwich, apples and raspberry sparking water. I ate those sandwiches for days. It was the only thing that sounds good and comforted me when I was feeling down. It was not just the food that tasted really good but knowing that Malia thought about what I would like and knowing that she ALWAYS has my back when I need it. Even though I don’t see her every day, every week or even every month, Malia says “when shit gets real, we are there for each other.” That is the truth. I love you to pieces Malia.
On Wednesday my other forever friend Heather, flew in to Seattle from Boise, ID. She had sent two different floral arrangements to make sure I know she loves me. When I saw her face when she walked in the door I just was happy. I really dislike that we live so far away from each other but it is what it is, so we make the best out of every minute we have with each other. We sat and talked all day and that evening once the boys were home from school, we went to the Christmas Tree farm and Auntie Heather picked the tree out this year. It is one of the most meaningful trees we have ever had because she stepped in and helped do the ornaments with the boys and she helped Jason do some trimming while I ordered pizza online. That night we got out the jammies, candy, and Magic Mike XXL and had girl time. We both don’t get that very much since we both have boys and don’t live close to each other. To say the least it is what the doctor ordered to distract me. I was sad to see her go but so thankful of the 28 hours I got to spend with her. My boys miss her and talk about her daily.
To wrap this post up, I have accepted the circumstances and am totally going to have nice, new, perky boobs at the end of this. I have definitely felt loved through all of this and those relationships will only get stronger. Thank you everyone for the prayers, thoughts and nice words.